National Safety Council Shocking Message: 1 in 1 Chance of Death!
For those who’ve never heard of the NSC, it’s a “nonprofit organization whose mission is to save lives by preventing injuries and deaths at work, in homes and communities and on the road through leadership, research, education and advocacy.” That is a very honorable mission, and we’re all for it. However, their latest statistics show that they’ve failed in their mission – failed every year since the establishment of the organization, in fact. According to their stats, the odds of dying, no matter what the cause, is 1 in 1!
We’re kidding. Of course we’re all going to die, eventually, but here’s a quick look at some odds-off-dying-of…
Firearms Discharge: 1 in 6,609
Now, that doesn’t mean that’s the odds of dying because somebody shoots you. That’s the odds of dying because yo’re trying to shoot someone, or something, else. Those are the odds of dying because your gun blows up or you’re holding the gun with the wrong end pointed towards you or because the recoil makes the gun punch you in just the right spot above the temple… and sends you barreling into the afterlife (see what we did there? Barreling…) before the smoke has dissipated.
Ways to avoid this: Don’t shoot guns. Tell someone else to shoot it for you, and opt to be the spotter every time.
Walking: 1 in 701
Yes. It’s true. Walking isn’t good for you. The odds of dying from do not speak in its favor at all, in fact. Now, it’s not the walking in itself that kills you it’s simply being a pedestrian. The moral is simply that you should never walk anywhere. There are far better and safer methods of getting to where you’re going.
Ways to avoid this: Get a motorcycle. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not more dangerous to ride a motorcycle than to walk: the odds of dying from riding a motorcycle and the horrible accidents that could ensue is only 1 in 761. Far safer than being a pedestrian.
Cataclysmic Storm: 1 in 29,196
Seems pretty unlikely, doesn’t it? That’s because it is, but those that pop up are very efficient at offing human beings. That’s why, even though it’s unlikely to die from such a “cataclysm”, it’s pretty good advice to stay away from storms. Once it’s there, it’s likely that you’ll die from it. If you do find yourself unable to get away from a storm, you have two choices: accept your fate and whimper in a corner, or dig a hole. Actually, you should already have a hole, and then simply get in it.
Ways to avoid this: Don’t get in a car full of antennas and laptops and go chasing the things. That will quickly get you killed.
Bitten or struck by dog: 1 in 144,899
We’re not sure how one would die by being “struck by dog”. Smitten, maybe… but perhaps that would count under “heart disease? We simply don’t know. Would it be like a lightning strike?
How did Bob die? Struck by dog. It was a beautiful day too, not a cat in the sky.
Seems very unlikely, and the numbers sort of confirm that.
Ways to avoid this: As far as we can tell, this must be an act of God, and if the old Eye in the Sky wants to strike you down with a dog, it was simply your time to go. Accept the risk and move on.
Contact w/ hornets, wasps & bees: 1 in 79,842
No, the occasional phone call is okay. Email and Skype is fine too – it’s the close contact, the close encounters that will do you in, buddy. Don’t go up and talk to bees or wasps or hornets. Don’t cuddle with them, don’t fall asleep near them, don’t go out and get drunk with them. They’ll kill you, simply because you’re there, in their vicinity.
Ways to avoid this: Carry a smoking ember of wood in a can at all times. This will sedate any bees or hornets or wasps around you. Also, always wear these. Always.
Total Odds Of Dying, Any Cause: 1 in 1!
So there you have it. Wear gloves, carry burning wood while riding a motorcycle away from storms, keeping an eye on the sky for dog strikes. You’ll live forever. Maybe.
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