Statistics are fun, aren’t they? Sure they are… lots and lots of numbers’n’stuff, all crammed together and beaten into an unrecognizable pulp, then molded into just about anything you damn well want? What could be more rewarding and enlightening than that?

Well, pretty much anything can be more rewarding than that, but that’s just our opinion. For some reason, though, people like to quote statistics whenever they’re trying to make a point, as if that will magically shut down any arguments or discussions – in they’re favor, more often than not. Well, you know what? It just doesn’t work that way, since we can pretty much bend those numbers any old way from Sunday. The latest? Your couch is more likely to kill you than your average terrorist.

Your Evil Furniture:

According to statistics, your furniture is just as evil and murderous as terrorists. Or, you know… just as benign as terrorists? A “comparable number” of US citizens are crushed by TVs, couches, other appliances and that sort of evil to the number being killed in terrorist attacks every year. That means you have as much chance of being dead under your TV as being blown up by a terrorist. If we take those numbers at face value, of course.

We don’t know why the DHS hasn’t taken action on this yet, and taken care of those villainous (is that a word?) pieces of lurking, sleeper cell furniture yet. Or why GW didn’t take some preventive action against the organizers of this plague: furniture manufacturers. Sweden, maybe. Home of IKEA, after all.


Since 9/11, a total of 238 American citizens have died from terrorist attacks, or an average of 29 per year. To put that in some perspective, according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, the average American is as likely to be crushed to death by televisions or furniture as they are to be killed by a terrorist.

That seems strange. But, you know, coming from CFR, it must be true, right? Those guys know what they’re talking about, after all… Yes, you’d think so. Here’s the big problem with statistics: You can pick and choose your error sources, and correctly cite numbers while giving them the exact meaning you want to prove your point.

Consider, for example, how many people are killed in premeditated, targeted action by evil, body-crushing furniture. We’d say that’s about… uh, none. Evil, premeditating terrorists? More. But then again; how many people are killed by terrorists inside the US, and how many people are killed by furniture inside same? Now the tables have turned. Also, how many of those terrorist attacks were actually aimed specifically at US citizens, and how many of those people just happened to stand in the way of it? Hm.

What to do?

Well, there’s not much you can do, is there? We’ve already concluded, based on statistical facts, that furniture kill more US citizens than terrorists, and the furniture is in your home! That should be a wake-up call to you. Get rid of your furniture at once. They’re nothing but infiltrators in society, lurking in your home, waiting for a chance to trip you up, send you flying down stairs or crush you with their massive bulk.

Right… that makes sense.

Header image by Flickr user brookenvak


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