The 5 Things Any Wildly Successful Robber Must Know

… and why you should know them too.

Just like our other article; “The 5 Things Any Wildly Successful Burglar Must Know”, this little lineup (har-har) is here to tell you what you might have missed on your path to becoming a successful robber. Armed or not – this is for all of you out there, but as you’ll see later on in this little text, armed is far more preferrable from unarmed. We’ll tell you why, too.

So, if you’ve ever dreamed of becoming a robber, maybe even bothced a couple of robberies in the past, you’ll do well to read this, and take our advice. As usual, we know best.

5: No, no one saw you case the joint. Which you have to do.

See...anything at all, really?

This is a common thing; paranoia. You think maybe someone saw you case the joint for a week, driving by, walking by, sitting on a bech on the other side of the street, walking in from time to time for a newspaper or a CD or whatnot? They didn’t. Unless you were in there wearing a skimask, running up and down aisles to find the best cover from the hail of police issue bullets that might come, no one noticed you.

Wildly successful tip: You have to case the joint. Gather intel. No one will review the tapes – if there even are tapes – from those dusty, low-res cameras the place has set up in each corner. Oh, and the one behind the counter is probably watching the employees anyway, angled so far down it won’t even see the customer – just the employee’s hands.

FACT: Most camera set-ups in shops and malls are so badly planned and poorly maintained that they’re no use to law enforcement or security after the incident.

4: Plan for a Crime of Opportunity

Sounds kinda like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not. The idea is that you should know, at all times, at least three different locations that have bad surveillance equipment, inexperienced or timid staff, few or no guard service patrols, far from a police station. That means that you have to plan your robbery longer, but it also means that you can take advantage of a window of opportunity when it presents itself, and you’ll be ready – in the right place at the right time with the right tools. Which is a sentence no one ever came up with while in the bathtub.

So! It’s actually possible to plan for fate to step in, which is kinda neat. It all comes down to avoiding places that are close to police stations, update their security and surveillance setup regularly and have a guard service that stops by during the day as well as the night. Look for clean cameras, newer looking cameras, fresh alarm stickers on the doors and windows, personell that are obviously adept at handling said surveillance equipment and that sort of thing. See any of that? Stay the hell away from that place.

Easy as pie.

3: Wear a good mask – your face is your enemy

Good mask. It's a go.

Even if the place you’re targeting has a reasonable surveillance system, the only thing they’re going to record, in most cases, are images. Most systems come with the option to record audio, but then again, most property and shop owners won’t install it. Why? Because it seems like a hassle. Because they’ve misread wiretapping laws. Because they’ve got something to hide themselves. Because it costs extra (and security is just a black hole anyway, right?). And so on. There are so many “good” reasons that we get a little dizzy just thinking about them.

Wildly successful tip: Hide your face well, while still making sure that you’ve got visibility and mobility, and there will be no other ways of identifying you.

FACT: Most owners won’t record audio anyway, which would be a second way of getting evidence to take you down, and so a good mask will get you through the ordeal without the fuzz coming to your door, and a good wad of cash to spend on whatever it is you plan to spend it on.

2: Never, ever panic.

Most robbers will be nervous. Don’t worry; it’s normal. It’s okay, even – keeps you sharp. A little bit of adrenaline never hurt anyone, and in fact, it’s helped a lot of people. Sound angry if you have to, shout if you have to, but the calmer you seem about the whole thing, the more nervous a clerk will get. They will think you’ve done this a million times before, and that you’re simply a stone cold psycho who has no qualms about slaughtering anyone in your way to get what you want.

Now, most victims – let’s just get that word out in the open, shall we – will do what you say as long as you stay calm, stay frosty and don’t confuse them. Confusing them is the last thing you want to do, and if you’re panicked, then they will panic and it all goes down the drain. Never panic.

Wildly successful tip: Humans are basically pack animals, and if you can act like a leader who knows what he’s doing, people will follow you. That’s also true in a robbery; if you tell them calmly what to do, with authority, then they’ll simply do it. Put the cash in the bag. Sure, mr. Robber, anything you say.

FACT: Panic is the reason why hundreds of people die every day, for various reasons. Don’t panic, and you’ll live a whole lot longer.

1: Get a gun, but never use it.

Guns: Not for use...?

That sounds a little funny too, huh. Why have it if you’re not gonna use it? Simple. If you have a gun, people will listen. Weapons aren’t only made to be used, they’re made to intimidate and to subdue. If you make people think that you have the power to immediately kill them if they go against your will, they’re inclined to do what you tell them to.

But not use it? Look, it’s better to abort and run if the situation goes sideways. Shooting your way out is never a good idea. At best, you’ll be a murderer on the loose, and at worst, you’ll have a murder charge on top of that robbery charge, if you actually do get caught. If the choice is between shooting and running, you should always run. Always. With or without the cash in your bag. Fuck it, there are other stores and banks and whatnot.

Wildly successful tip: Never run from, or shoot at, the cops. If you do get pulled over on your way from a robbery, play it cool and stop like a good boy. That black and white might be pulling you over for a busted headlight or a missing license plate lamp or something.

If you do get caught by the cops, you’ll face a robbery charge – but at least it wasn’t murder 1 of a police officer, which is a good way to suddenly “commit suicide” in the holding cell.

Haters gonna hate…

So, if you think that SnallaBolaget has suddenly switched sides, you’d be wrong. If you really, really don’t understand why we’ve got this article up, shoot us an email, and we’ll explain it to you. Make sure you include the following:

– Your question.
– Your business address
– When you last updated your surveillance system
– A quick description of how much cash you have in your store/business at any given time.

Knowing how a good robber thinks will be your best weapon in your fight to keep your store, business, staff and valuables safe from them, silly.

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