Getting Back On Your Feet, or «5 Ways To Screw Your Former Employer, Just Like They Did You.»
There’s nothing like being a «disgruntled former employee», is there? I mean, at first it seems like the world has toppled around you, things are in disarray, and you don’t really know where to go next, what’s waiting around the corner, and what to expect from anything or any one. It’s a harrying experience, that’s for sure.
Now, there are some methods, some ways, some routes to take that might make you feel better, after they screwed you over like that. Having had to deal with a couple of situations like that, here’s the experience gathered on «Ways To Screw Your Former Employer, Just Like They Screwed You»! Awesome, huh?
The first thing you need to think about, is what do you have that they don’t want you to? Well, the obvious thing is knowledge. You know the inner workings of your former employer’s business. That’s some powerful stuff right there. Any and every business has secrets that they don’t want to see get out to where the competition might steal and implement for themselves – hell, any competitors might not even want to implement the stuff, but perhaps just use it to discredit or ridicule. Just let it be said – those two are also very acceptable at this point.
The other thing you probably have is knowledge about what your former employer is about to do. Thing is, plans to change things around, do something different, something new, something unique (or not) is usually widely circulated within a business before it’s even implemented, in order to make the employees aware and ready for whatever is going to happen. It’s a good strategy, but it also leaves some holes in security when it comes to someone just getting fired or laid off in the middle of things. Think back – any announced changes that you remember, know about, or have heard rumors about? Those are golden nuggets, my friend.
The idea here is to use the knowledge and information that you have to screw your former employer. That’s right – just like they screwed you. There are a few warnings going along with this, but heck, let’s leave those to the end. No need to spoil the fun (and they won’t, either, I promise). First thing’s first – how to use your knowledge to get what you want, and to make sure that you deliver as hard a punch as possible.
- Go Straight To The Competition. I.e. sell what you know straight to known competitors of the business you’ve been working in. Some businesses frown on buying info like this, but the trick is to sell it right, and to the right people. Don’t go to the first guy (or girl) you see when you get there, or when you visit the «Contact Us» page of their website. Sniff around, find some manager in the marketing department, for example. Security is also a good place to start, if you have info that is sensitive. Those guys know what to do with it.
- Go The Roundabout Way To The Competition. Thing is, get a job there. Heck, you know about the biz, right? So stay in it. Go to the competition, offer your services and use everything that you’ve learned from your former employer to run the into the ground, crushing them the old fashioned way – by free market forces. It’s excellent.
- Take Their Business Away. Never underestimate the power of consumer opinion. Write a little something something for the newspaper, talk about everything you know that your former employer is doing wrong, and make sure it sounds like the board of directors are the horsemen of the apocalypse, with the Devil at one end of the table and Death’s pale horse waiting outside in the parking lot. Post your piece online, go to related forums and shower everything you know about overtime cutbacks, firing politics, bad contracts, faulty wiring for that matter and whatnot else you can think of over those willing listeners (well, readers) of the online world. They’ll thank you for your quality information, making sure that they pick a different place to take their business, and your former employer’s numbers might actually go in the red if your info’s good enough. Easy as pie.
- Sue Their Asses Off. If you’ve got a little cash left over, use it on getting legal representation, and sue your former employer for everything (well, half, at least) they’ve got. In most cases, any employer that gets sued for wrongful terminations will settle the suit – it’s just the way it is. Mostly, settling is much more cost efficient than taking someone and something to court. The upside is you might get left with a lot of cash – the downside is that you’ll probably have to sign some kind of agreement that you never talk dirty about your former employer in public, or you’ll lose the cash and find yourself behind bars. Still, it’s a good deal.
- Plan a Heist. Now, we would never encourage anyone, at any time, anywhere to do anything at all remotely illegal. That doesn’t mean it can’t be emotionally satisfying to plan the heist of the century against your former employer. Your former employer would have to have large amounts of easily stealable assets on hand, of course, and not all employers have that. Having said that, more employers than you might think will actually have cah reserves, bearer bonds or other papers that can be worth a whole heck of a lot on hand, just in case something goes belly up. Look at Apple, for example. You’d think that they wouldn’t need to have cash lying around, but they do. Man, oh man, they do. Anyway, even if you never carry out anything that you plan, until you find that better job, paying you more money and making you forget the whole deal, it might just keep your head above the water to fantasize about it.
So that’s it. Five ways to screw your former employer, just like they screwed you. Granted, the first four might be the best, but I’m a personal fan of number five as well, just as a little something on the side while you tinker with one of the first four, perhaps.
And hey, if you’ve got some other idea on how you, I, or whoever can screw their former employers over, go ahead and send it my way. I’ll be thrilled.
In the mean time, have a fantastic day. If you’ve just lost your job, it means only one thing; You’re Free, Buddy! To Do Whatever You Want. There’s always another job out there, and in the mean time… there’s always heist planning. Wink wink.